A Breakup

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Image by Pexels via Pixabay

I was dating someone–dating doesn’t particularly mean you’re sleeping with the person, or you’re in a  committed relationship, to me, it merely means you’re getting to know each other–for a month and eight days. I won’t name names, but let’s call this particular person X. Everything was going quite all right until I started feeling insecure, and having horrible flashbacks about a traumatic event from my childhood. Thus, I was sad, and my past was hunting me right when I was trying to be happy. I have always had very low self-esteem–more emotional than physical–, and I was feeling like I wasn’t good enough for this person and it was bothering me and killing me on the inside. X asked plenty of time what was wrong because my lack of presence was very much apparent, and I told them I wasn’t ready to talk about it because it is a very delicate subject to me and I got back an “okay it’s alright” as a response.

So two days later when I decided to talk about what was going on, I never saw X, and I said to myself, “okay it’s fine I will tell them tomorrow.” Tomorrow came, and I woke up to a text message saying, “I think it’s best if we just stay friends.” I asked if I did something wrong and I was told, no; however, I was adding them a lot of stress—before anything I’m the kind of person who doesn’t take text messages seriously especially if the subject is delicate and important. I tried explaining my story and why I was depressed and how insecure I was about certain things, and the fact that I have very low self-esteem was playing a massive part in the situation. They said they understood, but they’d rather be friends than continue dating. There it was what I was fearing was turning into reality. I tried not letting my past hunt me, but it was stronger than me. I shared things about me that I’ve never told a lot of my friends, it still did not help. My biggest question was, how do you say you care and understand but always act otherwise?

For almost three weeks I locked myself up in my room blaming myself for ruining something that was going so perfectly well, until the day I came across a video of Eartha Kitt talking about relationships (find the video below). That’s when I came to realize that I was not in the wrong, that it was not wrong of me to want to give my best when I felt like I was not good enough. I learned that I shouldn’t be blaming myself for having a dark past. I shouldn’t be blaming myself for not being ready to tell all the ugly sides of my life to someone whom I started seeing about a month. Sometimes you’re not wrong. When people don’t want something they will find and use every reason they can find to get out of it—and if in the process they can blame you for it so they feel good about themselves—trust and believe they will.

And that person you are so into now and feel like they are the one, they aren’t. If they were the one, they wouldn’t leave over pathetic reasons. I know sometimes we all start thinking, “but they will find someone better.” And that’s the biggest fear a lot of people have when they go through a breakup. Unfortunately, yes, they will find someone better than you, there is always going to be someone better than anyone. Damn, you could see even better than them a thousand times, and also if they find better; that better person will never be you no matter how amazing they are. They will never be able to bring what you could have brought on the table. So dust yourself and smile again. Right now you might be thinking there is no one out there for you, but there’s always someone out there. Even if there isn’t—you have you, you are there for you. What’s more amazing than that?

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