Finding Myself Through Acting

Disclaimer: The grammar in here is not my best.

When I first discovered acting I was about 12-years-old. It completely changed my perception on many things. It was a life changing experience and also a discovery that I will forever be grateful for. Unfortunately, I only went to rehearsals and ensembles, I never made it on stage because the night we were scheduled to do the play something happened, can’t remember what it was.

You know before taking any acting class I thought it was easy, I thought I just get in there read my script or whatever and voila, la vie est belle! Alas I was wrong (LOL). I never knew acting required every inch of your body, as well as your voice and breathing! I’ve never had a problem imitating someone and how they act, and between my friends and I–along with some of my family members–I thought I was good at it. Which I think I am, I mean I’m not bad…. However, for some reason when I’m in class I have all these different kind of stress. For instance, I can’t talk right, my tongue becomes like the heaviest thing in the world. I mean, me… having a heavy tongue–anybody who truly knows me wouldn’t believe that.

But you know something. I walked in that class the first day thinking I was going to learn how to be someone else, or how to act like someone else. The truth is I’m learning more about myself than I ever did in my life. I’d say, if anybody ever wanted to “find themselves” as people often say, I suggest you take acting classes. Just acting 1 not even 2 just one, but hey if you end up enjoying it. Stick to it, it’s never wrong.

I’ll answer the question in your mind, what is it exactly that he discovered about himself? Well, I discovered that I’m more emotionally unstable, and mentally fucked up than I thought I was. And I think I know the reason why. The reason is my family–father side. They are the most judgmental people I’ve ever met. Also it has a lot to do with my relationship with my dad as well. Right now I have a lot to work on. But I trust myself. I’m very aware that my journey to be a professional actor won’t be an easy one but I know and trust I will succeed. How do I know? When I was younger I always loved baking, but for some reason I could never bake and I always failed every recipe I tried to make. However, now I’m very proud of my baking skills. I know I will make it to Hollywood–LOL–just watch.

Letter To My Stepmom For Mother’s Day

Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

I do not know if, nor do I think I will ever get to say this to you enough.

Now I know you should be thanked every single day when the sun rises, and not only on this very special holiday. Because today is the day acknowledged as the official Mother’s Day, I will spur on the occasion to reciprocate the love and affection you’ve showered me with from the day you came into my life.

A mother is not only a woman who gives birth to a child. Sometimes the best mothers aren’t the best ones–I love my birth mom to death–pun intended. A woman who has been able to give love in every single way and corner of her life to another woman’s child sometimes makes the perfect mother, which in my case I was blessed with both. Thus I will seize this moment to say thank you, thank you, and thank you endless times.

            Thank you for not only playing the role of the best step-mother in the entire universe, but also of a best friend, the best confidante one could ever wish for.

            Thank you for being a great life mentor.

            Thank you for not only being there as a loving, and caring mother, but also you should be acquired the award of best dad as well.

            Thank you for getting mad at me when I was in the wrong.

            Thank you for giving me love a mother can give to her own son.

            Loving a kid you gave birth to is a natural maternal love, but loving a stepson as much as you love your own is a special talent of yours that was shared with me in the most frabjous way possible.

Thank you for trusting me, and not only seeing me as ‘my husband’s son,’ but also as your own son.

Blood might be thicker than water; however, without water blood alone isn’t enough, and for me I’d chose water over, and over, and over again, for you are the water.

And by the grace of God you came into my life, and rooms that were dark suddenly lightened up with the glorious lights of your pure, loving heart.

By the grace of God you’ve fixed bullet holes that no Band-Aid was able to fix.

By the grace of God your love blooms beautifully, and stronger every day.

Thus for all of this I say thank you for being a mother, thank you for being a friend, thank you for being there.

I love you dearly.

Happy Mother’s Day 2015!

To Our Never Endings 

To our never-ending quarrels…

to our deathless love we bear

for each other, a love that will

fondly shield me from the

execration of other beings.

A love that my own father

could not offer to his own

offspring. But, I’ve found in

a heavenly heart of another soul.

Dearly beloved, thou shall always

keep in mind and never forget the

fondness I carry for thee is endless.

 

My Four Seasons

You are my four seasons all in one.

You blossom the petals of my heart like the petals of peonies in the spring.

You make my days shine and joyful like a day in summer.

Just like the leaves fall in the fall you make my tears fall all while I’m falling for you.

You filled my heart with blue emotions like the deep inside like the middle of frozen a lake in winter.

Like a snowflake you fell delightfully into my life.

It was magical; perhaps you are a gift from the clouds; who knows?

But most importantly you are also my fireplace, you warm my heart like nobody else by your side I was immune to every kind of pain there could possibly be.

The Way We Used To Be

I remember the lavender scent on your laundry and the taste of your chapstick on my lips.

I was your moon and starts over the valleys of the ones and only.

My heart was your fire place in the cold Alaskan winter.

For the way we used to be.

You used to be my rock.

You used to be my bridge.

For you were my sunrise and sunset.

Tell me that fern I left as a sign of our love hasn’t withered from all the heat I left behind.

Promise me the soft heavenly cotton-like  love we once laid our heads on hasn’t worn you out.

For we used to be perfect lovers in a perfectly imperfect word but the love was imperfectly perfect in its ways.

For I loved you for the better and worst.

We used to be rain drops from the clouds up above watering the garden of love that we called home.

We used to be two apple on a tree, but my stem gave up on holding on so you could stay.

We used to be rose petals along with your many lovers, yet my petal was the one to fall and watch you hold others.

When we made love under the shinning sky full of stars you promised as long as the stars will be shinning I will always be your lover.

However there you disappeared when the first rays of the sun shone upon us and you took the starts with you.

And you took along your love and promises.

Hence that’s the way we used to be.

The Power of Men

When a man has power, he will hurt.

When a man has power, he will break.

When a man has power, he will dictate.

When a man has power, he will use it for selfish reasons.

When a man has power, he will render worthless, be it those who loves him or not.

But when a woman has power, she will love better, harder, and stronger.

When a woman has power, she will mend every broken piece of you.

When a woman has power, she will set for triumph.

When a woman has power, she will build a home to shelter her loved ones.

She will put under her prayers the life of what is hers.

When a woman has power, she makes you powerful.

And that is why our Lord has given the best kind of super power to women that is, to grow life in them.

In Him we shall always trust, for if He gave the man that power there would be no hope, nor would there be sympathy for the neighbor.

There would be nothing to build for the days to come.

Humanity would be a bunch of human beings filled with rocks behind their ribs instead of hearts.

A Breakup

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Image by Pexels via Pixabay

I was dating–dating someone don’t particularly mean you’re sleeping with them, or you’re in a  committed relationship to me it simply means you’re getting to know each other–someone for a month and eight days. I won’t name names, but let’s call this particular person, X. Everything was going quite all right until I started feeling insecure, and having horrible flash backs about my childhood. Thus, I was sad, and my past was hunting me right when I trying to be happy. I’ve always had a very low self-esteem, and I was feeling like I wasn’t good enough for this person and it was bothering me and killing me on the inside. X asked plenty of time what was wrong because my lack of presence was very much visible, and I told X I wasn’t ready to talk about it because it is a very delicate subject to me and I was told, okay it’s alright.

So two days later when I decided talk about what was going on, I never saw X and I said to myself, “okay it’s fine I will tell them tomorrow.” Tomorrow came and I woke up to a text message saying, “I think it’s best if we just stay friends.” I asked if I did something wrong and I was told, no; however, I was adding them a lot of stress—before anything I’m the kind of person who doesn’t take text messages seriously especially if the subject is delicate. I tried explaining my story and why I was depressed and how insecure I am about certain things, and the fact that I have a very low self-esteem was playing a huge part in the situation. They said they understood, but they’d rather be friends than continue dating. There it was what I was fearing was turning into reality. I tried not letting my past hunt me, but it was stronger than me. I shared things about me that I’ve never told a lot of my friends, it still did not help. My biggest question was, how do you say you care and understand but still act otherwise?

For almost three weeks I locked myself up in my room blaming myself for ruining something that was going so perfectly well, until the day I came across a video of Eartha Kitt talking about relationships (find video below). That’s when I came to realize that I was not in the wrong, that it was not wrong of me to want to give my best when I felt like I was not good enough. I learned that I shouldn’t be blaming myself for having a dark past. I shouldn’t be blaming myself for not being ready to tell all the ugly sides of my life to someone I started seeing for only about a month. Sometimes you’re not the wrong one. When people don’t want something they will find and use every reason they can find to get out of it—and if in the process they can blame you for it so they feel good about themselves—trust and believe they will.

And that person you are so into now and feel like they are the one, trust me they aren’t. If they were the one they wouldn’t leave over pathetic reasons. I know sometimes we all start thinking, “but they will find someone better.” And that’s the biggest fear of a lot of people when they go through a breakup. Unfortunately, yes, they will find someone better than you, there is always going to be someone better. Damn you could find even better than them a thousand times, and even if they find better; that better person will never be you no matter how amazing they are. They will never be able to bring what you could bring on the table. So just dust yourself and smile again. Right now you might be thinking there is no one out there for you, but there’s always someone out there. Even if there isn’t—you have you, you are there for you. What’s more amazing than that?

Modern Relationships

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Image by Tero via Pixabay

Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr, not even mentioning the many other social networks. Relationships these days are not like they used to be back in the days; that’s why I think of them as ‘modern days relationships’ everything nowadays is so modernized. What happened to friends going to parks and enjoying a good day outdoor? What happened to lovers going on picnic dates and doing thousands of other productive things other than sitting at home to watch Netflix and “chill”? If they don’t like the selfie you posted on Instagram they are considered ‘not real friends’. Since when did we let social media define the status of our relationships or the love from our closed ones toward us?

Lot of people are so shallow nowadays to the point where even friendships come with terms and conditions. Since when did friends had to look as beautiful as that model in the Vogue fashion catalogue? Since when did friends had to be perfect? I thought the whole point of having friends was getting involved with different types of people and looking at their beauty from the inside, not the outside. And that’s why a lot of people are alone in their houses and humanity is slowly dying. Humans are living but the sense of humanity in them is dying because they want friends but friends that has to be their ‘type’. How is your friendship real when you’ve befriended someone for their looks? I haven’t lived long enough, but I know for a fact that friendships are supposed to happen because two people can connect to each other genuinely.

Love, a word used so much in our generation that it has lost its power. A lot of people look for love but only want the sweet and fun part of it without even remembering that love is something that comes with no condition. When you tell someone you love them, you’re practically saying you accept them with their pros and cons, you accept them with their beauty and flaws. These days you see people breaking up over little things that makes no sense at all.

When you are in a relationship with someone you have to accept them as they come. When you are looking for love you have to accept the ugly parts just as much as you accept the beautiful part of it. You will dump every person you’re gonna date but before you know you will find yourself alone and wondering what you did wrong, while the truth is you just weren’t strong enough to keep people for long because of that one little misunderstanding.